From when I was very young, about 10 years old, I kept asking people the same question, what is my destiny, what is the purpose for me to live in this world, so difficultly as most of people does, with troubles from time to time, with a little true fun. Nobody's answer satisfies me until now, so I am still wondering, but life continues, never stops, 15 years passed, nothing changes, it seems I do not close any a little bit to find the answer.

So, it seems I could not find a good answer, but, as a normal human being, I could not kill myself to end my life, and so to avoid the strange thinking.

When I grow up, I entered the city, first learnt in university, and then worked in cities, this is the 5th year now, I experienced too much sad in work, in living and in love. I am still hunting for something not clear, something maybe would never be clearer than what I can see now, in this cloudy world.

When I was 5 or 6 years old, I climbed up a mountain for the first time, I saw the whole big valley near to my hometown, actually, it is river, I looked my family's house for the first time, and the bamboo s near to it. I got sleeping on a mulberry tree when I was enjoying all these first lookings.

Some years later, I climbed up another mountain, there I got sleeping, lying over a under the sunset. It's cold who waked me up, but still I am happy, I was with my mother, and saw her smile when I was woke up.

In a year near, I got sleeping under the moon for the first time, when I was woke up but the cold wind of the hot summer night, I saw the galaxy for the first time, clear and beautiful a galaxy, with stars twinkling around, when I stopped disturbing my father asking kinds of questions he did not know the answers, I could hear the all the sound, sound from far away and near.

A little older, I always rode a broken bike with friends, chasing each other on the bumpy ways, swam in the river. Two or three times, I was nearly drowned in rivers or pools, but not died.

Sometimes, I studied very late and felt tired out, but still with happiness. I dreamed to be a cosmonaut, I wanted to learn more to be prepared.

Some years later, I entered the life of city, I found more that I did not know before, my dream was killed by myself, for I realized the possibility and ability of myself. In the mean time, I got to know what I will be if I die, in the beginning, I was afraid of dying, and latter, I found there was no need for me to afraid of something that I could not avoid.

Friends of mine, life style, and the place of living have been changed frequently from that time, nothing is steady for me, only the original thought has not been changed. I did not create myself another dream from that time, nor do I fear nothing even dying. Sometimes, for boring, I got drunk, I tred to hurt myself and persons around me by various ways, I got used to not caring my body and all the things around me, for I know I and them will be piles of dust sooner or later, if something bad happened, I just looked myself as a pile of dust or a dead body.

Living in cities, I can not feel the difference between natural wind and air waves driven by cars, I can't smell, I can't laugh, I can't sleep at the place where I want. And, everyday, I am driving by the pressures around me, I get to be used to compare myself with others, wears, money, consumables, house, jobs. People are normally proud for the things they occupy, such as, money, houses, cars, friends, know ledges and experiences.

Sometimes, I can agree the normal thinking about the normal life I have to face everyday, except for most of cases when I calm down and think it carefully. Even sometimes, I think I am stupid or at least strange a body, but I really can't abandon my true thoughts, which is my life is meaningless. Since what if I die anytime, there is nothing will be left on the earth except a pile of dust or some bones, more to say, all bodies' life are meaningless as mine considering with this, this is maybe assumed by me as the final destiny of me and all of us.

Somebody says life is the process of your life, even you do not know and do not think about it, you have it, so just enjoy it, and make yourself to be better, richer, and your life to be more wonderful. But I never can consider it as an important something, happy or unhappy, rich or poor, good or bad, with love or without love. I can live in sadness, and I can live in happiness, rich or poor, good or bad, with love or without love.

I can't keep myself from thinking what I will be, and what what I have will be. I might own a big beautiful and expensive house, but nothing will it change my destiny, I will die as I have no such a house.

If we are made by the god, I think my life is what I rent from the god, a dust made body and a unknown soul, when I die, I will give back these two to the god, should I say thanks for the god at the moment? No, for I'd like the god had made as animal without soul, or as a plant without a moveable body nor a soul.

If we are the result of the result of the evolution from natural, still we are meaningless as dust, even we have thoughts, souls, languages, societies, and something seems complicated, we were and still are driven by something unknown in an unfinished and continuous evolution. If so, we are just steps of this evolution, we still do not know our final destiny, just live as work like a middle product meaninglessly, what we have done, and will be doing are just things not from us.

12th Jan., 2005