whatever you want

House: As long as you’re trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you’re not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do whatever we want. We can rule the world!

Race

Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding on me?
House: It’s what I do. Has it gotten worse lately?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
House: Really? Well, that rules out the race thing. You were just as black last week.

lying

Dr. Forman: Ten-year olds do not have heart attacks. It’s got to be a mistake.
House: Right. The simplest explanation is she’s a 40-year old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on.

Allocation

Dr. Cameron: I’ll check into it.
Dr. Foreman: I’ll make the call.
Dr. Chase: I’ll keep the kid alive. For a while at least.
House: I’ll have lunch.

white chick

Dr. Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
Dr. Cameron: What’s up?
Dr. Foreman: When you break into a house, its always better to have a white chick with you.

What kind of doctors you prefer

House: What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or who ignores you while you get better?I guess it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.

reason to avoid seeing patients

House: Another reason I don’t like meeting patients. If they don’t know what you look like, they can’t yell at you.

great start for successful marriages

Dr. House: The most successful marriages are based on lies. You’re off to a great start.

Jump in talking
House: What do you know about the nun?
Dr. Chase: Which one?
House: The cute one. I think she likes me. The sick one, obviously.

Twice long
House: You told me you hadn’t changed your diet or exercise. Were you lying?
Samantha: Lying?
House: Does your husband have high blood pressure?
Samantha: My husband?
House: Yeah, see, if you’re going to repeat everything I say, this conversation’s going to take twice as long.

mathematical error
House: Sevens marry sevens, nines marry nines, fours marry fours. Maybe there’s some wiggle room if there’s enough money or if somebody got pregnant. But you’ve got at least three points on your husband and your frock says he didn’t do it for the money and your breasts say you haven’t had any kids.
Judy: So you figure my marriage is a mathematical error.

Victim victim
Dr. Cameron: She’s a Katrina victim.
House: She’s better than Crandall – he’s a Katrina victim victim.

more paper work?
Dr. Cuddy: (to House) I can’t even imagine the backward logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
House: Well if I shot a live person there’s a lot more paperwork.

doing introductionsHouse: Wilson! This is Dry Cleaner Guy. Tax Accountant. Guy from the bus stop. This is Wilson.
Dry Cleaner: How come he gets a name?
House: Seniority.

Better than God
Dr. Chase: You’re going to talk to a patient?
House: God talks to him. It’d be arrogant of me to assume I’m better than God.

God's loss
House: God ever talk to you when you were in the seminary?
Dr. Chase: Ummm... no.
House: God’s loss, our gain.

(House stops Foreman from writing on the whiteboard)
House: Sorry, there’s a reason they call it the whiteboard. It’s not my rule.

Great or unemployed
Ronald: I assume House is a great doctor?
Dr. Chase: Why would you assume that?
Ronald: Because if you’re that big a jerk you’re either great or unemployed.

Believe in GodHouse: (discussing Alex’s breasts) Two clinic hours says that those love apples are handcrafted by God.
Dr. Foreman: I thought you didn’t believe in God.
House: I do now.

ComplicatedStella: What’s wrong with your foot?
House: War wound.
Stella: Does it hurt?
House: Every day.
Stella: Is that why you’re so sad?
House: Oh aren’t you adorable. I’m not sad, I’m complicated - chicks dig that. One day you’ll understand.

In line
Dr. Chase:We’ve got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.
House: I teach you to lie and cheat and steal, and as soon as my back is turned you wait in line?

RechargeDr. Wilson: Do you know your phone’s dead? Do you ever recharge your batteries?
House: They recharge? I just buy new phones.

Gambling
Dr. Chase: Gambling doesn’t take away (House’s) pain.
House: It does when I win.

Gay
Stacy: If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn’t you fire him?
House: He has great hair.
Stacy: What are you hiding?
House: I’m gay. Oh…that’s not what you meant. It does explain a lot though. No girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers…